Equilibrium Had It Right

I'm a person of logic. Things that I don't see I don't believe. Things that don't make sense I don't assume to be true. Faith isn't really a thing I take part in, and I do things when I see a reason to. I let logic determine my decisions in life, but unfortunately there's circumstance where not only do I let that slide, but it goes completely in the other direction. Doctors call that little issue of mine "major depressive disorder" and it's something i've battled my whole life. The part of me when I let things that I know shouldn't bother me to bother me, and where I make decisions not based on logic but instead on faulty emotion. Emotion isn't logic.

I had to leave Twitter. At least for a while. I was unable to continue to watch people's worlds literally scroll by me. For every Tweet that said "I'm so happy!" I only think "fuck you." For every "I love the summer and my friends!" I think "I hate when people are happy." I sit home and read about how happy others are, even though I know the filter of the internet makes things often look better or worse than they really are. It effects me far too much.

I cut out Facebook. At least for a while. I found myself commenting on things and saying things I regret later. I'm only spreading the emotion-based hate to others. That's not fair.

You don't know how much this pisses me off. Me feeling things that I know are 100% illogical. I have no reason to be "down" or "unhappy". I know I am because of faulty neurons not sucking up enough serotonin in my brain. I realize that's a fault of my body just like if I were born blind, or my right arm didn't work, or whatever. It's just a thing. Though it grabs me so fucking hard and I can't shake it.

So as I try to and I cut out the internet activities that pushed me in the first place I realized something. I wasn't just cutting out the "I'm so happy!!" comments that made me so down, but I'm cutting out the people. And the sad part is cutting out the people really makes things better.

Shortly after pulling myself away from the digital world and the many hundreds of people that inhabited it every day all of a sudden my expectations were reduced of that world. If you remove the people you consider "friends", you don't get disappointed. Being alone isn't any longer "I wish I was out with people right now" but instead "I wonder what new podcasts are online." The expectation of friendship and happiness is removed when the people are removed.

To me, that's a great feeling. If you look at me a year ago I had a lot of great friends I spent a lot of time with. In that year so many things have changed. Every person I considered a close friend has moved forward with their life and into a world I don't inhabit. Cohabitation in relationships, marriages, births, moves out of the area, etc. The world has moved fast this past year and that's not a bad thing. But unfortunately it is something that ignites the faulty emotional part of me and makes me react with "I don't care how much fun you're having at the beach, shut up" when the Twitpic gets uploaded.

I hope everyone is well. I apologize 100 times over for "being that way" and I honestly hope everyone is having the best summer of their lives. Maybe you can tell me about it some time.

Gabe Kangas

Jul 16, 2010