Next Step... There Is No Next Step. Yet.

I love hearing people's plans for the future.  If they're graduating from college, or just have their first real job and have big plans... hearing that stuff is cool.  Having vision and goals are what keep people alive.  You need to be driven to continue to do something.  A stagnant life isn't really  life at all. I've been thinking about that a lot lately.  What is my next step?  And I don't mean personally, or professionally.  But something of both.  It shouldn't really be that separate.  Thinking of yourself as two halfs is really a shame.  To think you have to live two lives that cannot intersect is limiting your potential.

But that's kind of where I am.  Personally, I'm confident I live in one of the best cities in the world, surrounded by some of the most talented, influential, and intelligent people I've ever met.  This is not an overstatement.  I have friends who make things, who write things, who organize things, who turn dreams into reality.  They make things happen, and they're damn good at it.  I am absolutely honored.

Professionally, I have an awesome job a ton of people would love to have.  Seriously.  I make things happen at a multi zillion dollar company.  I get paid well, I have good benefits.  I would completely look up to myself if I met myself while younger.

But there's a sense of synergy that is missing.  The sum of my parts equal exactly how the math says it should.  But damnit, I want more.

This is a common theme with me.  If you've known me any length of time I'm rarely satisfied.  I thought for the longest time it was just because it was simply that, I'd never be satisfied.  But after making major changes, I see major changes.  Who knew?

Professionally I'm kind of where I wanted to be.  So my vision and goals professionally aren't there.  What do you do when you're doing what you wanted to do?  Maybe I just never had lofty enough goals.  I never wanted to be president, or an astronaut.  I wanted to be a badass IT guy.  Sure, I learn more every day, and I will always continue to grow.  But again, I'm rarely satisfied.  I always need something to work towards.

I only start thinking about all this stuff when my two halfs start to actively start fighting each other.  It's one thing if 1+1=2, but it's another when 1+1 < 2.  I've had more and more reactions at work that are similar to "Oh come on.  I didn't have any problem with this kind of stuff, but now you're just pissing me off."  And that sucks.  Little jab after little jab.  It bothers me only because I liked it when I was content.  But new management and increased scrutiny change how/when/where we perform our jobs.  But that's the corporate world . They squeeze and squeeze until some things slip out of their hand, but still have a much tighter grip on what is left.

Again, not complaining.  But sometimes things are enlightening.  I want 1+1 >= 3.

I'd love to have a conversation with those that can relate, or have have posed similar questions to themselves.

Gabe Kangas

Apr 14, 2009