I'm Not Doing Well

As some of you probably know, I'm a complete nutcase. Not in the "oh look at me, I'm so different and cute." No, in the way that I'm seriously fucked in the head and there's a possibility I may hurt you, hurt someone you know, or hurt myself on any given day.

Luckily nobody has been injured thus far, but a few broken items in my apartment were harmed in the past week or so.

Why do I say this? Things are pretty bad. I've been on some meds for the past year to control this crap. About two weeks ago I ran out and I've been unable to get ahold of my doctor to schedule an appointment or get refills. I didn't realize how much those medications ran my life until now, when I'm off them.

People are work are more or less scared of me. I've told no less than three people that I've quit my job. People are feeling like they have to go out of their way to try and make me feel valued and appreciated or they'll wake up one morning and I won't be showing up at work anymore. That or they feel like I'm going to show up with a knife. I wish I could say that neither are a possibility.

It's probably the worst time, ever, to be going through this, too. Work is extremely stressful right now, and I just can't deal with it in my current unmedicated state. Huge things are at stake with a project that I've been working on for almost a year. And now I'm looking at only mere hours until things go live I'm getting all fucked in the head and refusing to work on it anymore.

This on top of the fact I'm going through major withdrawal symptoms from being off of some serious brain fuck medications cold turkey. Headaches, dizziness, nausea, and the fine occurrence known as "brain zaps", where it feels like you've been electrocuted for a brief second.

I wish I could just put out a press release saying "please just ignore me for the near future, I'm going to say and do things i'll later regret. Don't be here when it happens."

I'm so sorry everyone.

Gabe Kangas

May 18, 2008