Equilibrium had it right

I’m a person of logic. Things that I don’t see I don’t believe. Things that don’t make sense I don’t assume to be true. Faith isn’t really a thing I take part in, and I do things when I see a reason to.

I let logic determine my decisions in life, but unfortunately there’s circumstance where not only do I let that slide, but it goes completely in the other direction. Doctors call that little issue of mine “major depressive disorder” and it’s something i’ve battled my whole life. The part of me when I let things that I know shouldn’t bother me to bother me, and where I make decisions not based on logic but instead on faulty emotion. Emotion isn’t logic.

I had to leave Twitter. At least for a while. I was unable to continue to watch people’s worlds literally scroll by me. For every Tweet that said “I’m so happy!” I only think “fuck you.” For every “I love the summer and my friends!” I think “I hate when people are happy.” I sit home and read about how happy others are, even though I know the filter of the internet makes things often look better or worse than they really are. It effects me far too much.

I cut out Facebook. At least for a while. I found myself commenting on things and saying things I regret later. I’m only spreading the emotion-based hate to others. That’s not fair.

You don’t know how much this pisses me off. Me feeling things that I know are 100% illogical. I have no reason to be “down” or “unhappy”. I know I am because of faulty neurons not sucking up enough serotonin in my brain. I realize that’s a fault of my body just like if I were born blind, or my right arm didn’t work, or whatever. It’s just a thing. Though it grabs me so fucking hard and I can’t shake it.

So as I try to and I cut out the internet activities that pushed me in the first place I realized something. I wasn’t just cutting out the “I’m so happy!!” comments that made me so down, but I’m cutting out the people. And the sad part is cutting out the people really makes things better.

Shortly after pulling myself away from the digital world and the many hundreds of people that inhabited it every day all of a sudden my expectations were reduced of that world. If you remove the people you consider “friends”, you don’t get disappointed. Being alone isn’t any longer “I wish I was out with people right now” but instead “I wonder what new podcasts are online.” The expectation of friendship and happiness is removed when the people are removed.

To me, that’s a great feeling. If you look at me a year ago I had a lot of great friends I spent a lot of time with. In that year so many things have changed. Every person I considered a close friend has moved forward with their life and into a world I don’t inhabit. Cohabitation in relationships, marriages, births, moves out of the area, etc. The world has moved fast this past year and that’s not a bad thing. But unfortunately it is something that ignites the faulty emotional part of me and makes me react with “I don’t care how much fun you’re having at the beach, shut up” when the Twitpic gets uploaded.

I hope everyone is well. I apologize 100 times over for “being that way” and I honestly hope everyone is having the best summer of their lives. Maybe you can tell me about it some time.

TechStars for a Day, startup culture, and my comparisons to Omaha

Alright, stay with me.  I promise you’ll get something at the end.  I don’t promise you’ll like it, though.

I attended TechStars for a Day in Seattle.  If you want to know what this rockin’ organization does check it out.  But in short, they are a business accelerator.  Get your company off the ground in the most awesome way possible.

It seemed like a classic case of serendipity. I was behind the controls at Big Omaha helping the speakers tell their inspiring stories when an email invite came in from TechStars to join them in Seattle to hear more about the program and to give them an opportunity to meet me. It was at this point I was faced with a very important decision: jump up in excitement or let Tony Hsieh finish his talk. History shows what path I took, I didn’t interrupt, and everyone got a free book. So good on me for that one.

I didn’t know what to expect. The only person I’d ever met that’s gone through the TechStars program was Matt Galligan from SimpleGeo. I used the opportunity of Big Omaha to ask him what he thought of it after going through it. He recommended I absolutely make it to Seattle to see what the inaugural Seattle TechStars class has to offer.

So Sunday I jumped on a plane and headed to Seattle feeling not just as a representative of #MysteriousDottie, but maybe as an unofficial spokesperson of Omaha for a day as well.

Showing up Monday morning I met so many people.  All seeming to fit in a category of person that I honestly can’t say I’ve really met before.  They are passionate about launching or improving on something awesome.  Everyone had an idea and regardless of what happened that day, what happened in the past, or what happens with TechStars or otherwise they are going to launch this particular thing that means so much to them.

Even though these companies are all technology based there was zero talk of tech.  Nobody asked me “so what are you building your company with?” or asked my opinion on web frameworks.  No side discussions about browsers, operating systems or programming languages.  Nobody cared.  If you were to ask someone the (increasingly awful) question “What do you do?” you won’t hear “I’m a ruby on rails developer” but instead “I run a company that does X.”  I always joked with @lasertron that her title in the world was “Textiles Engineer” and that seems to be a parallel to these business owners.  She’s as much of a engineer of fabric as these people are programmers.  It’s a means to an end to build something completely radical.

I won’t lie, there was an air of competition.  I want to guess there were maybe 30 companies in attendance, between one and four people per company.  This however is very narrowed down from the hundreds that apply from all around the world.  While each person there is supportive and excited for everyone else, they all want to be a member of the final ten companies that will be selected in June.

An example: Andy Sack, the director of TechStars in Seattle, mentioned he had forgot his camera and asked if anyone in attendance had a camera that wasn’t a camera-phone.  I was the only person to raise my hand.  I was dubbed the official TechStars for a day photographer and I did my best to make sure I captured the event.  Though unexpectedly I got a few people telling me that it was a “good move” to volunteer to take pictures and get an “in” with the TechStars committee.  Honestly, that was the last thing that came to mind when raising my hand to say I had a camera but others saw it as a strategic move.

I got to meet a handful of mentors and past TechStars companies.  Urbanspoon, Feedburner and Everlater were in attendance.  There’s something really great to be hanging out casually with the team from Urbanspoon, asking them specific questions about their mobile development strategies.

So enough about facts and what I saw.  You’re here for my thoughts.  So here are my personal reflections.

To me it felt like I was taking Big Omaha a step further.  Where just a couple weeks ago I was being told to follow my dream, an event like this with knowledgeable, real world tested companies were pointing me in a direction to do so.  From founders openly discussing the mistakes they made to groups saying openly they really had no idea how to program before embarking on the path to their idea it opens up a layer of “realness” and detail to each person telling their story.

Much like me when I decided I wanted to build something awesome you start developing more questions than answers and our local community is lacking on those answers.  Having people be completely transparent in detail about not only the things they’ve done right, but also what they’ve done wrong helps so much when giving people the tools they need to launch the next really great thing.  Now that I see the startup community of Seattle (and before that TechStars having Boulder and Boston classes) I hope Omaha starts making the steps to go that direction as well.  But as I’ve mentioned to others Omaha is slightly in a chicken and egg situation.  In order for people to open up about how they launched something great we need a handful of something greats to launch.  And for that to happen there is that possibility that the best scenario is to leave the area.

I know, the infamous least popular opinion of all of Big Omaha.  But you’d be surprised how many mentors and successful business owners in Seattle told me how I need to get into a bigger pond.  And I’ll stick by the thought that for some people it is a valid choice.  Until Omaha has a culture that strives to enable people to succeed in their dreams not just in great community (that we have), but in experienced mentors and investments that are geared to the startup sector, people may be spinning their wheels.  Sorry.  <3 you guys.

I don’t say that to stir controversy, but more to be appreciative that these types of things exist.  The opportunity for someone like me, just some random dude in Omaha, to visit, if only for a day, is a great thing.  I encourage any of you if you have an idea and some first steps on executing it to apply to TechStars, or YCombinator or local institutions like the Halo Institute.  Maybe it’ll be the move for you to take your idea to the next level.  Maybe it’ll be a complete waste of your time.  For me even if I never hear from TechStars again just the application process and being a part of the club for one day was worth the effort.  You learn something just trying.

I was asked what I’ve been doing. So here you go!

I struggled on what should be included in this post.  A part of me thinks having a veil over personal feelings about things that I’m doing are a good thing.  But that’s the opposite of transparency, and I do want to take as many people on the wild ride with me as possible.

A while back my buddy Frank said my next blog post should be about what I’m doing. It wasn’t until then that I realized from the outside (especially outside of Omaha), what I do, what my goals are, and my what daily routine is may seem a little odd, if not completely invisible.

So what do I do? I balance my time between being the developer of DispatchThis, a software as a service company, and doing “anything else”.

And when I say anything, that’s really what it means.

I left my “real job” in November, and it seems almost six months later I’m just starting to get into the flow of the world I threw myself into. Making the contacts, proving myself through local projects, all those kinds of things required to be independent, but not homeless.

I’ve taken on some neat things since November. From custom Wordpress stuff, to building Facebook applications. Some neat apps integrating with 3rd party APIs and generally turning people’s ideas into reality. Honestly, there’s very little I can complain about when it comes to the work that I do. I have the city of Omaha and my friends here to thank for all of it.  From pushing me into this direction (albeit I was kicking and screaming the whole way), to the references and endorsements.

I don’t spend time in one place for too long.  You can generally find me working from what I dub “the office”, my favorite coffee shop, Caffeine Dreams.  On Tuesdays I work from @rahulgupta’s house.  Other days you may find me at The Halo Institute or Graffiti Tracker’s office.  Though I do have a “home office” setup, I almost never work from there.  Why would I want to when there’s so many other options to be a part of the community and meet cool people while I do cool things?  I love this part of my life.  I considered “getting out of the cube” symbolic, but I feel so much more alive.  I can’t recommend enough that people find a way to get out of the corporate office and into the world.  People say the “real world” is having a stuffy job in an office building, but to me the real world is just the opposite.  I love that I have the opportunity to live in this world.

Day 1 of Mysterious Dottie. Last July.

Though there’s more to the story. There’s something far more important to me than all of this, and that’s the elusive Mysterious Dottie.

I’ll be blunt and say Mysterious Dottie is the most important thing in the world to me. It’s that thing when I wake up every morning I say “what do I have to do today in order to give this to the world?” And one of the things I have to do is be able to continue doing the work I’m doing now, and not getting a “real job”.

Though simple math says otherwise.  From me miss-estimating the scope of projects (therefore getting underpaid), to clients flat out not being able to pay, I can’t say I’ve been hugely successful. I’m not convinced with the amount I’ve been charging clients I can afford to continue on this path. On the flip side, if I don’t It’s really the death toll for Mysterious Dottie. So things like increasing what I charge and trying to pick up larger projects are all things I’m trying to do not for myself, but because I feel that passionate about getting this out to the world.

I feel I can be honest and filter out all the butterflies and rainbows and tell you that the story of Mysterious Dottie has not been an easy one. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t completely doubt myself, doubt any execution success, and doubt the direction I’ve taken. But I’m so determined to do everything I can to get this fucker launched that I put it all aside and fight through all of that.

Why the doubt? I’m at a different level of emotional investment than anyone else who have required parts to play. I care about every piece of the puzzle, and to others it’s just another project on their plate.  And generally as far as priority it’s quite far down on said plate.  It’s very casual to everyone but me. But to me it’s my all or nothing.

I’ve told myself that if I don’t launch the product by fall then that’s the end for it, and me. If it isn’t going to be what I hoped for it, then I have to give up that dream and be more rational. I’ll get a real job, I’ll be responsible, and I’ll say I did everything I could to make it come true, but failed. But there is no plan B, there is no second chance. This is that thing I’ve worked up to my whole life, and if I don’t see it through, then I’ll pat myself on the back for taking the risk but realize that time in my life is over.

That being said: That’s the last thing I want to happen. But I also realize it’s probably the most likely scenario. Every piece of the puzzle that has to come together for success has in some way come disjointed. It’s taken far too long for far too little progress and at this rate by fall I’ll be nowhere near a completed project. Also the fall deadline was originally due to TechCrunch50, a conference to allow new companies to launch. That’s the reason for the code name and the stealth mode, it’s a TC50 requirement. However it seems as TC50 will not be existing this year, and I have no other launch vehicle.

So that’s that. What my life has consisted of. Don’t get me wrong, I consider myself one of the luckiest people ever to be able to take this path. But at the same time I worry every day that I’ll never be able to realize my potential with it all. So if this post sounds like I’m venting, or I’m down… well, maybe. There are ups and downs to everything and everyone. But more so I think i’ve been quiet, and people have asked, so I think it’s fair to let people know what I’ve been up to.  Cross your fingers and let’s see what happens!

(btw this post was completely composed using my iPad!)

I survived South by Southwest Interactive 2010

Writing a wrap-up post about South by Southwest I would imagine is similar to writing about being teleported to another universe for a short time.  A universe where there are no words that a human can make to explain the things they saw.

So in that vein let me tell you that it was so…. yeah.  Thanks everyone, have a great weekend.

Alright, I’ll give this a shot.  It was everything I thought it could be, and more.  Every story and rumor and thought you may have heard about South by is true.  You turn the corner and there’s someone you recognize.  Mostly those of “internet fame”.

People say the best part about the conference is the connections you make, and that’s absolutely the truth.  While the panels were sometimes fun I got less out of them than I thought I would.

The sessions that I went into knowing things about I left saying “that wasn’t anything I didn’t already know”.  Some panels were mis-titled or had bad descriptions.  The couple “core conversations” were kind of lame because it was up to the group to keep things moving… and sometimes it didn’t.

That being said, there were some really great ones.  My favorites: Selling your subculture without selling out, Web framework battle, How Pandora navigated the smartphone seas, Is Canvas the end of Flash, and Getting your company funded.  That last VC-based session being a real eye opener for me.

Keep in mind most of the links in this post are photos, so click away.  I didn’t want to embed everything here.

Highlights:

Tom Conrad of Pandora

Years after launching PandoraFM with support from Pandora I finally met Tom Conrad, CTO of Pandora Media.  This is a guy when given the option between kicking my work off the internet for using the Pandora service in a way they didn’t intend, or working with me to build something cool… he chose the later.  Since then I’ve looked up to him as the type of person I want to end up being in the internet business landscape.  Running something awesome while being awesome.  It was a long time coming for us to meet, and on top of it his talk on the mobile story of Pandora was one of the best.

I met Veronica Belmont at the gdgt party.  Your typical internet celebrity crush.  I think I mumbled a “ahhbauhdagaaa” to her.  I suppose that was better than the alternative of “DO YOU KNOW YOU’RE VERONICA BELMONT?”  She was really nice, and it was cool to just run into her.  At that same gdgt party I saw Peter Rojas and chatted with him a bit.  I’ve listened to him on podcasts over the years and read his material in numerous online tech blogs.  It’s awesome being able to talk one on one with someone when you’ve known them in such a different context for so long.

Kat asked me if I could snap a picture of Bre Pettis from a distance for her.  I thought I’d see what I could do and see if I could actually talk to him and say hi to him for her and grab a picture of us two.  Success.  By coincidence I ran into him on the street later that week and chatted for a bit.

The Gawker Timewarp party.  It was a dream world for me.  I got to meet MC Frontalot and see him perform.  It had Star Wars characters hanging around.  It had geek girls.  It had nerdcore fans.  It had free alcohol. I couldn’t make this party up if I tried.  I love MC Frontalot and his show did not disappoint.  Awesome.  Awesome. MC Frontalot at the Gawker Timewarp party

The Silicon Prairie party was a great time.  It was cool to see so many people hanging with the kids from Nebraska.  I tried to talk to as many people that I didn’t recognize as I could and find out how they found out about the party.  Most were friends of a friend or were told about the party by someone “in the circle”.

The Silicon Prairie Party

I met Gina Trapani!  I made a joke that I actually saw someone using Google Wave while at the conference and she gave me a copy of her Google Wave book. I had her autograph it for me.  I’ve always really enjoyed her technical work she’s given the world, not to mention the writing and podcasting she does.  Very cool.

Went to the Gowalla Tiki Room party and had some delicious drinks, got stuck in the rain, and saw Diplo spin.  I like Diplo, so that was cool to have him the soundtrack of one kickin’ party.

Met some awesome people in person and digitally!  I got to hang out with Gwen, @ReelVixen, and it was a blast.  We’ve only more or less known each other through the internet and it was awesome to share the SxSW experience with her.  Hello to new awesome people @stephaniehobson, @fiercecupcake, @playfulpixel, @kristenbyers, @ElaDarling, and special thanks to @TheJenya  for showing me around and hanging out!  She’s releasing a book of notes and comic drawings based on her time at South by, I can’t wait to see what she’s come up with once it goes online.  Check her out at http://www.mermaidhostel.com/

So yeah, I’m not sure what else to say.  There was so much great stuff, and I have to stop somewhere.  So check out my photos from the trip, I took a bunch.  I probably left out a lot, but hey… I tried.  Austin, I’ll see you next year.

Veronica Belmont and I

Gabe takes on South by Southwest Interactive 2010

One of the things I’ve convinced myself of in this past year is that if there’s something I want to do, then I should do it.

Sounds simple right?  But not so much.  In this particular example, South by Southwest, it’s something I’ve wanted to attend for years.  But instead of just deciding I was going to go I wallowed in my cube and read/watched what was going on in the week long center of the world.  I know you’re saying “well it’s your own fault for not doing something you wanted to do”, and it’s true.  It was one of those things I convinced myself that everyone else does, but not me.  For instance:

2007 I had a depressing post, not even making an attempt to think that I should go. Of course that time in my life was pretty crappy and I wouldn’t had been able to go even if I made the decision to.

In 2009 I called it “a big circle jerk, that I want to be a part of”.

At some point after that I realized life was short and from then on I’m just going to do the things that would make me happy, or at least make the attempt to.

So making the trip to Austin this year is quite symbolic for me.  For many it’s that thing people do every year, but for me it’s one of the many things I never let myself do before.

So stupid depressing Gabe history lesson aside.  Fuck yeah – South by Southwest.

I would be going anyway, because I want to, but it just so happens I actually have reasons to go.  With my world surrounded around Mysterious Dottie I can’t not use this opportunity to see what’s going on in the world.  Compare, contrast, maybe even have a few chats.

Aside from the “business stuff”, I’m pumped to see people.  There’s people I’ve known for years that I’ve never met in person that I’ll finally be able to say hi to.

There are some awesome panels I’m really looking forward to.  I put my schedule up if you’re at all interested in what panels I may be attending.  Though it’s just a list of things I may be interested in without taking scheduling into consideration.  I’m sure the process will be dynamic throughout the festival.

And of course: the parties.  Hopefully it’ll be an awesome chance to meet some really neat people from all over the world.  Smart people with ideas, and ambition, and interests similar to mine.

So enough of me blabbing about this.  If you’re at all interested in following my journey to Austin, as always follow me on Twitter, and check out what locations I’m at via Foursquare and Gowalla.  Honestly I’ll probably be using Gowalla more than Foursquare just for this trip because of the Austin home town service advantage.  Plus they’re giving out VIP admission to parties ;)

And lastly: I apologize in advance to all of you following me on services who are going to really get sick of my updates and photos.  Sorry!